Forget Forget Forget

Forgetting maybe hard for some
But for me, it would be helpful

Engaged...

The End!
The end of hope
The end of longing
The end
The end
So this is good bye..
Good bye
Good bye
I wish you all the best
I wish you all the happiness

The end.

freedom!

photo courtesy by myself.

If only you just know

If only you just know
What's deep inside
If only you just know
If only you just know
If only you just know
 Do you really care?
How much do you care?
Would you dare to care?
I am afraid you wouldn't.

Live, not just by mere knowledge but by Wisdom!

Whatever in Manila

Duha nko kabuwan kapin dri sa Manila.. well .. i love long journey.. meaning every ,morning.. 3 rides padong sa office.. and pauli.. makig patentiro sa mga sakyanan,..daghan ka makit-an nga mga tawo.. gnahan ko motan -aw sa mga hitsura.. naay gadali.. magul-anon..malipayon ug naay kebs..

Dri sa manila daghang klase sa tawo ang imong matagbo-an, ganahan ko motan aw sa ilang mga dagway, sa sininaan.. ug uban pa.. naay nka corporate attire, naka tux, naka polo, naka tshirt, naka sando, nka short, naka skirt. Naay gwapo, gwapa, seksi, tambok, naay mada ra, na puy di nba gyud mada. Buotan, Maldita, istrikta, naay manager, supervisor, clerck, dispatcher, jeepney driver, conductor ug naa puy taong grasa ug uban pa. Kasagaran mao jud na imong makit-an sa kalsada ug makadungan nimog sakay sa jeep.

Naa pud daghang gwapo, lamig lawas, lamig pamorma, pero abi nimog laki pastilan arang bayota!

Mao kinahanglan magbantay ka.. kay di tanang laki gwapo ug nisamot na di tanang gwapo laki!

Nakasuway nko ug sakay ug tren nga naiipit ko bisan sa akong kadako, mka wapoise.. pero nalingaw ko adto. Daghan kaayong tawo adtong panahona.. sabado sa hapon, makig meet ko sa akong ig agaw sa SM Ortigas kay mangadto mi sa Pampanga. Perting uwana, daghan kaayong tawo sa MRT station, gikulbaan ko pero challenging, giganahan ko sa thrill nga akong nabati, first time nakong nisakay ug MRT nga ako rang usa. Nisunod ra ko sa mga tawo nga ni pila.. in short nag mao mao ug nag sunod sunod ra ko.. bahala na si batman.

Kadaghan na nagbalik balik ang tren, pero wla gihapon ko kasulod.. pero kadugayang tuyok tuoyk di ra mahinbaw-an naa nka sa sulod.. arang piota.. pero ambot ba... ganahan ko kay thrilling.. hehe..

Haay ambot ba...ahh basta...
hahah..daghan pa kog estoryahe....

let the count down begins!!!

So excited!!! i just can't hide it!
But worried also .. :( but i am +

migration

Migration - is a journey undertaken in response to changes in food availability, wants, economic status, habitat, social relationship, dreams and wanderlust. Sometimes, this journey is not termed as "true migration" due to its irregularity (nomadism) or the movement away from young natal area.

We also prefer to take long distance and long term migration, making long flights to wander in lalalands gathering the wealth, wisdom and experiences. There are also consideration about barriers and detours that might increase the zests of the journey. Time will come that we need to return to our orginal habitat and start the exploration, build our kingdom and tell the beautiful stories we encountered while on the journey.

i am a fire rabbit

THE FIRE RABBIT 1927 AND 1987

Fire adds an unspoken magnetism and mystery to the Rabbit. These creatures have a burning desire to get out there and live life to its fullest. They are active and adventurous and love anything that sparks their creativity or curiosity. They can throw tantrums here and there, if provoked, but most of the time they work very hard to avoid conflict or unpleasant confrontations. Fire Rabbits are charming and tend to push their emotions into the backs of their minds, but will speak up if necessary.

Source: http://www.usbridalguide.com/special/chinesehoroscopes/Rabbit.htm

orange balloon

soon i'll be....

Escaping poverty by doing the norms and indulging into the hectic corporate world.
Leaving the peaceful rural life and immerse into the urban jungle.


there are thoughts that bothers..


I am trying to figure out the meaning of life and the purpose of living. 
What is life? 
It is always a mystery to me.

What on earth am i here for?

Who knows
in the cabinet!

I am in the state of discovering the answers to my questions. I am in the state on discovering my life.
How to live my life, and how and where I will be happy.
I am aware of the facts and suggestions from the books and from other people in how to live a happy life.
Sometimes, there are those who are trying to dictate me. I've been reading a lot about the "how to" and whatnot. However those things, those feat are not applicable to me at the moment. No matter how i think of it, how i feel it, i live with it, sadly it just turn out i am faking it. Since i graduated from college I am kind of depress and frustrated. It seems so lost and empty. I never felt fulfillment and satisfaction since then.
I am seeking for change, whether it will be physical change, character change, attitude and what ever change the material and spiritual world can offer. As long as it can change my mind settings and how i see things.

In short this is a battle between me and myself!

You might not understand what i am talking about and i don't understand it either. So let us see what will happen the next day, where and what my sanity and insanity brings me!


So, why orange balloon?
It is just that, when i got home yesterday from work there was an orange balloon in the sala. One of my cousin brought it. And then my other cousin told me about some news that the concerns was part of my history and i feel sad. I am not sad about the news, i am sad that i did not feel something about it, neither happy nor sad feelings. Nothing at all.
And right now i am thinking of that orange balloon and i don't know why.

The end.

18:53

seven minutes before seven

faces of me :D

i am not pretty... i know.. but i am a a creature of God...

so i consider myself so damn beautiful!

masuya ma dead! 

:D

waiting

"it is hard to be left behind.. it is hard to be the one who stays" - time travelers wife

my father, an OFW's husband


this is a story of my father, a father who patiently wait, i am not sure what is in his mind and heart. i am not sure what he feels, but i am sure that he is waiting.


it is a long wait indeed..and he is still waiting...

year 1998 when mama decided to leave the country to work abroad as domestic helper to seek for a greener pasture. those memories were blur to me, i just remember the scenario that we borrowed my uncle's motorcycle and drove my mother to our town for her to catch a bus going to the city. the thing that was on my mind at that time though i am aware of the truth was that she would only go for a meeting/seminar which she usually does since she was the baranggay secretary. i was looking forward for her to come home the next few days with "pasalubong" (apple and humpy dumpy - me and my brother's favorite) . i was in a hurry because i was afraid to be late since it was june and it was the first day of school.

few days later, i came to understand and it sink in on me that mama will never come home for a very long time. not just weeks, months nor a year. i sniffed on the clothes that she last wore, longing for her scent and just cried in silent. i never ask papa nor talked to him about it. there are instances that i witnessed him crying in silent while he is feeding our pigs in the pig cage at our backyard. and according to our neighbors they also saw him crying in the field while letting our carabao roam around to eat .

a couple of  months had passed, papa begun to lose weight and our house became messy, so messy. papa is a farmer, he took care of us and also the fields. i and my brother begun to be stubborn, lazy and spoiled. we begun to demand things.

my brother was more affected with the turn of events in our life, he became a brat, spoiled and stubborn. he always climbed to a santol tree in our yard and threw stones into our house, he did not like to take a bath and go to school but papa manage him to. while me, i just like to watch tv at my grandfather's house, we did not own yet a tv on that time. i  do not like to take a bath too and i was always late  in school. i cannot clearly remember those times it is just we became wild and crazy and lazy and everything. and there was a time that my brother shoot papa with a stone using a sling. 

yet, he is patient. he beg for us to be good kids and tried not to scold us. but our attitude is not tolerable he sometimes cried in front of us but we did not mind. or sometime he would spank us, but we did not care, we became more stubborn.

he is weak, yes. he sometimes go with his friends and get drunk, maybe to forget his loneliness. we did not care. we really don't care. all we care is our self, our needs, our wants.

he tried to provide us with delicious food, he bought us milk (bearbrand) and vitamins (nutriflex). he did everything just to comply our needs and wants with all his might. and we want more. we are not satisfied

he spoke to our teachers when we have problems in school. he tried to comply our projects such as lipak, brooms, organic fertilizer etc, except for our academic projects. he is just an elementary graduate and has limited knowledge on academic. yet, he used his strength to comply things that he can.

despite of the circumstances, me and my brother managed to be an honor student in school, so when the recognition/graduation day come, he would bring a chicken as it was a tradition to bring a chicken when you are an honor student, he would buy us new clothes and shoes. he would talk to the only photographer in our barrio to get us some picture when he will pinned our ribbons, so he can send it to mama.

as a kid, i am always sick but i am a hyper one. when i am in a good condition. i ran, i climbed trees and played chinese garter and i can do the cartwheel perfectly, i can bend my body, i play jolen, winner and more. i have asthma, though papa would remind me not to play much but i did not listen and i don't care. there was a a lot of instances that my asthma would attacked that i am having a hard time breathing. so, he would bring me to a quack doctor in a middle of a rainy cold night. there were many nights that he was sleepless just to attend and massage my back when i can hardly breath. 

during my elementary graduation he bought me a new clothes and shoes, it was not the best clothes in town but it was his best.
when i was in high school i was the representative for our section for ms bb wika, he ask his tailor friend to make a gown for me, and there, i was the best in gown.

there are lot of things that papa did for us, i just cannot remember it all. in short he would kill a dinosaur for us. it may be because of fear that he might be blame by mama if something bad happen to us, but i am sure it is also because of his unconditional love. he has a lot of weakness, of course he is human.

years and years have pass, me and my brother are used to with our situation. my mother would come home every two years and would stay just for one month or two weeks. i already graduated from college and now working in a bpo company while my brother is still in his forth year in college. we became good kid though and responsible maybe.

mama is still working as a domestic helper abroad.

and papa is at home..... faithfully waiting...

maybe waiting in vain...

maybe not...

who knows what life brings....

there could be happy ending ..

hopefully...

being able to wait is a sign of true love and patience. anyone can say "i love you" but not everyone can wait and prove that its true. - www.livelifehappy.com

there are a lot to write about my father, but i am not a good writer. i am not good in english though, but i can't express it in cebuano or tagalog. this is not being biased i love both my parents and my brother and i will write about my mother next time. 
*whoever wants to help or to correct my english / grammar etc. just email it to me at naivegascon@gmail.com. thanks in advance. 

ondoy's sms

(fyi. vincent mark sarong a.ka. "ondoy" is my classmate in college and now he is teaching in one of the school here in our province)
no particular reason, i just want to share his sms, since, i think pang brain teaser yung mga text nya you may fall into deep thinking pampalipas oras ba. probably he also got this from the internet or wherever.

so here it is starting from june 27, 2012. i already deleted his previous text messages.


1.  by moving one of the following digits, make the equation correct:
     62 - 63 = 1

2.  two fathers and two sons go fishing. each of them catches one fish, so why do they bring home only three     fish?

3.  this is just a paragraph. i'm curious if you quickly find out what is so unusual about it. it looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. in fact nothing is wrong with it! study it and you might find out. try to do so without any coaching. think about it. go!

4.  what do the following numerals represent?   11111121113122223222

5.  a murderer is condemned to death. he has to choose between three rooms. the first room is full of raging fires . the second room is full of lions haven't eaten in three years. the third is full of assassins with loaded guns. which room is safe for him?

6.  a lovers dating i a plaza. the girl bring her puppy. they sat down on the bench. beside them there are two cats. behind them is a pig and in front of them is a dog. suddenly a plane pass by. they look above, how many animals looked up in the sky.



if you know the answer you can post it in the comment box.
if you want to know the answer you can email me at naivegascon@gmail.com or you can use the contact form. (maybe you can google it..heheh.)
i will continue to post alike text if i will receive more from him. :D
#Ennui

change of attitude

as we walk from office to home, i was complaining about being doing the same thing for a long time. being not able to change any event of my life, my surroundings etc. and also i've been talking about fast forwarding the days as i am seeking change. 


fyi, well i am looking forward for a big ( i consider it big) occasion this coming days. hmmm i will be handing over my official resignation letter tomorrow. yay! heheh.. my resignation will take effect this coming july 28, 2012. and i am looking forward for that day and the next next next next day after that. i'm gonna reveal what's this big thing the next day after those days. :D or until i can bear to hide it before those days. (ha? sorry for my bad carabao english, until now i am not good at it)


let's go back to our main topic.
okay, i am complaining bla..bla...bla..

and i was just reminded by my friend at the same time my workmate.
it is not the environment, the people or the events of my life that i need to change.
it's my attitude towards everything.

and now i am giving it a thought. so what if i'm gonna change my attitude towards things and gonna do the reverse of what negativity i am thinking of it. it is kind of hard, but i'm gonna start now.
it is not hard!

i hope everything will be change and i will be satisfied.

there are things that we cannot change, but we can change our attitude on it.

only love can

permanent change cannot come from fear.
permanent change can only come from love.
fear cannot change you.
only love can.

why it is always me?

dear readers, (if i have one, maybe you're the first reader that i have in this blog.. hehehe).

why it is always about me? i just want to justify my post now a days. i've been expressing my emotions a lot lately, mostly sad, worries, being lost, negativity etcetera. well, honestly i am lost right now.. really lost. i kind of losing purpose here.  i am kind of losing my faith, i don't understand my self, i don't know where i am headed and it is sad. :)  i really feel lost and empty. ambot, basta. wako kasabot. hehehe.

well, i decided to find myself, pick it up and make it whole and strong on a daily basis.
i hope i can make it, of course by our God's guidance. i want to find myself with HIM, whole and standing strong on my faith.

i need to be me

i love me. i am me.
i need to be myself. i need to be faithful to how God made me.
if i fit myself into a cookie cutter, i will get hurt, because part of me will have to be cut away.
in the same way, when i try to fit into the expectation of others, it will just cause me pain.

i will need to live my life authentically.

i will dream.

i will be faithful to my weirdness. my craziness. my idiosyncrasies. my peculiarities. my quirks.
i know there are some people that will hate me. i don't mind.
because there are some people who will adore my weirdness.


i will love myself for who i am. and i will love my God, my friends, my parents, my brother, my cousins, my future husband, my future children and everyone around me who needs my love. 


i also acknowledge that i will need love more than anything in this world.

i love me and i will love others selflessly.

(based and inspired by: http://bosanchez.ph/meet-your-five-most-commonly-neglected-needs/)

stop

i know i need to stop.

i need to stop this negativity.

i need to stop worrying.

i need to stop ignoring HIM.

i need to stop ignoring the lessons being taught by the world, by the books, by the preacher and all the people around.

i need to stop not attending to church every Sunday; it’s been three months already.

i need to stop being mean to myself and to my friends, to everyone.

i need to stop being lost.

i need to stop being not thankful for what i have.

i need to stop wanting for unnecessary things.

i need to stop this immaturity in me.

i need to stop being so “emoew” .

i need to stop.

i need to stop.

NOW!

It's just me :(

Can we talk?

May be I just need someone to talk to in order for me to get out of this dungeon.

I am really stuck up here.

It is me, I know.

The environment, the people around me, they are not the reason.

It’s just me.

I am really caught by this black hole.

I am blind, I can’t see anything, and I can’t see any light.

Is it because of the computer radiation? The food I ate? The water I drink?

Maybe not, it’s just me.

Obscurity eats me up.

Please rescue me!

Sunrise

Hmmmmm.. .. a gloomy sunrise i think.

We need to judge based on logical thinking, not on personal feelings.

I want!

I want to help the household chores every morning.
I want to greet everyone in the office cheerfully.
I want to be grateful in everything.
I want to say good words all the time.
I want to be happy.
I want to be successful.
I want to be loved.
I want to be good.
I want to write.
I want to sing.
I want to dance.
I want to love.
I want to fly.
I want to swim.
I want to be a good person.
I want to be a good sister.
I want to be a good daughter.
I want to be a good Christian.
I want to praise God all the time.
I want to see beauty in every simple things.
I want to wake up early.
I want to learn something new.
I want to have a lot of friends.
I want to have someone who can understand me.
I want freedom.
I want to be beautiful.
I want to be positive always.
I want to run as fast as i can.
I want to be rich.
I want to do the things that make me happy.
I want to read.
I want to go to the beach.
I want to travel abroad.
I want to make people happy.
I want to help others.
I want to blog about Jesus.
I want to blog beautiful things.
I want inner peace.
I want world peace.

Random Thoughts

Sometimes, at a certain time, we may think that what we have in mind or what we feel was right. In the long run we will realize/discover that we are totally wrong.
23/04/2012 12:22

Forbidden

A Paramour in the tainted wagon

Wearing big and dark sun glasses

Red lipstick, red dress, red shoes

From the distance I witnessed

Forbidden piece of passion

A man which used to toil

Enthralled to taste the glee

Hooked into the scheme

Until he shudders into desperation

To play the forbidden game

To be continued....

31720121221

as i go to sleep

as i go to sleep

                let me close my eyes

                let the worries go by

                let sadness subside

                let me depart from consciousness

                let me depart from loneliness

                                let me feel the caress

                                the gentle touch

                                the sweet voice

                                the warmth of love

                                                from a mother

                                                from a lover

as i go to sleep

                let me dream

                dream like a child

                enchanted and wild

031220121104

Dawn

i wish to freeze the time while i keep in motion. 

The Ego is unstable 

The soul is restless

I love dawn

The dawn keeps me alive and make me calm

When the day is in chaos

And the thoughts are rambled

The words came out

the feelings revealed

I don't want tomorrow

I just want this dawn

When everything is peace

except this heart and mind

I just want this dawn

I just want this dawn

342012

340am

Kaleidoscope Thoughts

Sitting on the same swivel chair, performing the same task. Never ending loneliness, struggle, doubts, fear, worries, and burdens. Forcing myself to learn the ropes of this different world, different from what I dreamed off. Forcing this brain to absorb this academic, I am confused. Where am I? Am I here? Who am I? Do you know me? Do I know me? This brain, this heart, this heart that beats, this heart that pumps blood. This heart that never love but knows hurt. The brain, not excellent, never been a genius, this brain worn out from digging this science and economics and mathematics and business and academics and everything. This scrambled thoughts, like a scrambled egg, with tomatoes pepper and onions.

Procrastinating. Waiting, waiting for what? Time? Time to be famous? Time to die? Waiting for what? What is next?

Walking on the same path, tracing yesterday’s footstep. Walk through this darkness, through this lonely road. Darkness, darkness, darkness, however this footsteps are clear. The footsteps I’ve been tracing for years. This self that has not been discovered. Seeking, looking, wandering in this circle. Never ending search for myself in this circle. Who am i? where am i? Please answer me! Take me out from this darkness. I can’t see, I can’t hear, I can’t shout, I can’t feel!!!! Yet my body moves.

It is not about cleanliness, it is not about the mess, it is not about intelligence, it is not about the success, and so on and so forth, the never ending list of about. I don’t know what it is all about. I have just this…it is about something that I can’t define nor identify. The perspective that is different, the feeling? The love? It is uncertain. What is it?

Should we not be happy, because we are poor? Should we not smile? Should we not laugh? This colorful mess, it is still a mess no matter how colorful it is. Itching, itching this dark skin. Parasites dwell in this dark skin. No matter how hard I try to beautify, this forbidden beauty cannot be mine. For, for me it is forbidden. The lice that inhabit in my head, in my hair they create an ecosystem. They are hard to kill! The vices, the habit they are hard to kill! I want to change my skin from black to brown to white to blue to red to green. But this beauty is forbidden. Should I smile? Should I cry? I am afraid, afraid that the parasite in me will eat my whole being. They will control me, not to help, not to smile, not to cry, not to love. I wonder what, what, what is the end. I wonder where, where, where is the end.

Here on the dining table, begging for food, spectators’ cold eyes and cold heart. How can I satisfy this hunger and thirst? When there is no one want to share? Do I have to work hard for food? Hunger strike my stomach, hunger strikes my heart. Thirsty. Can someone quench my thirst? Will someone share? Or do I have to work hard? This laziness, am i? Maybe. To those I cling, to those I believe I have, to those I believe I can call my own, I can call my friends. Are they real? Are these feelings, are these thoughts, are these worlds, and are they real? Can someone love? Can someone share? On this green, brown, black, red, blue world. A voice of a dj and the music he plays that help me sleep at night. Are they real?

Reality! Life! What is it? Is it when someone drives a cab or a bus or a tricycle or a ship or a boat or a plane or a train or a spaceship or a rocket or a submarine? Is it when someone works at the office? at the mall? at the market? at the field? at the poultry? at the farm? at the sea? at the cemetery? at the war? at the mines? or at the space?

And, the never ending list!