Sitting on
the same swivel chair, performing the same task. Never ending loneliness,
struggle, doubts, fear, worries, and burdens. Forcing myself to learn the ropes
of this different world, different from what I dreamed off. Forcing this brain
to absorb this academic, I am confused. Where am I? Am I here? Who am I? Do you
know me? Do I know me? This brain, this heart, this heart that beats, this
heart that pumps blood. This heart that never love but knows hurt. The brain,
not excellent, never been a genius, this brain worn out from digging this
science and economics and mathematics and business and academics and
everything. This scrambled thoughts, like a scrambled egg, with tomatoes pepper
and onions.
Procrastinating.
Waiting, waiting for what? Time? Time to be famous? Time to die? Waiting for
what? What is next?
Walking on
the same path, tracing yesterday’s footstep. Walk through this darkness,
through this lonely road. Darkness, darkness, darkness, however this footsteps
are clear. The footsteps I’ve been tracing for years. This self that has not
been discovered. Seeking, looking, wandering in this circle. Never ending
search for myself in this circle. Who am i? where am i? Please answer me! Take
me out from this darkness. I can’t see, I can’t hear, I can’t shout, I can’t
feel!!!! Yet my body moves.
It is not
about cleanliness, it is not about the mess, it is not about intelligence, it
is not about the success, and so on and so forth, the never ending list of about.
I don’t know what it is all about. I have just this…it is about something that I
can’t define nor identify. The perspective that is different, the feeling? The love?
It is uncertain. What is it?
Should we
not be happy, because we are poor? Should we not smile? Should we not laugh?
This colorful mess, it is still a mess no matter how colorful it is. Itching,
itching this dark skin. Parasites dwell in this dark skin. No matter how hard I
try to beautify, this forbidden beauty cannot be mine. For, for me it is
forbidden. The lice that inhabit in my head, in my hair they create an
ecosystem. They are hard to kill! The vices, the habit they are hard to kill! I
want to change my skin from black to brown to white to blue to red to green.
But this beauty is forbidden. Should I smile? Should I cry? I am afraid, afraid
that the parasite in me will eat my whole being. They will control me, not to
help, not to smile, not to cry, not to love. I wonder what, what, what is the
end. I wonder where, where, where is the end.
Here on the
dining table, begging for food, spectators’ cold eyes and cold heart. How can I
satisfy this hunger and thirst? When there is no one want to share? Do I have
to work hard for food? Hunger strike my stomach, hunger strikes my heart.
Thirsty. Can someone quench my thirst? Will someone share? Or do I have to work
hard? This laziness, am i? Maybe. To those I cling, to those I believe I have,
to those I believe I can call my own, I can call my friends. Are they real? Are
these feelings, are these thoughts, are these worlds, and are they real? Can
someone love? Can someone share? On this green, brown, black, red, blue world.
A voice of a dj and the music he plays that help me sleep at night. Are they
real?
Reality!
Life! What is it? Is it when someone drives a cab or a bus or a tricycle or a
ship or a boat or a plane or a train or a spaceship or a rocket or a submarine?
Is it when someone works at the office? at the mall? at the market? at the
field? at the poultry? at the farm? at the sea? at the cemetery? at the war? at
the mines? or at the space?
And, the
never ending list!
